CNTM: New York, Old Jerks

The Fringe Festival is on in Toronto, so I have other things to care about besides this show that makes me want to stab myself in the cheek. I even forgot to tape last week’s episode. But the show I was going to go to tonight was sold, out, so I’ve got a spare minute to eat a sandwich and watch this episode (conveniently, it happens to be on tv RIGHT NOW. The universe wants me to recap CNTM, obviously). I missed the first 10 minutes, but I’m pretty sure this is what happened: The girls laugh smugly about how Rebekkah was sent home last week. Then they shriek like autistic children when they’re surprised with a trip to New York City for go-sees (WHERE ARE THE CANADIAN DESIGNERS ON THIS SHOW, CNTM???) Maryam still doesn’t have a passport, so she cries and the other four say bitchy things about how she should go home this week.

I tune in at the beginning of the go-sees. Ditzy blonde Heather gets lost. Ditzy blonde Meagan forgets her portfolio at one of her appointments, but she’s so cute and pretty the rest of the designers love her anyway and she wins the challenge. Linsay gets the “such a different look” compliment, which pleases potential agent Elmer Olsen. Nobody likes Nikita’s bad attitude or posture and she’s late even though she gave a fifty to a cab driver.

Then the girls go out on the town (only boring touristy places, of course) and make fun of Maryam for not being with them, because these girls are petty assholes. Meanwhile, Maryam is having an “I’ve Grown Accustomed to Her Face” moment back in Toronto, eating cereal and, I’m sure, enjoying have the apartment to herself for a little while. Damn I hope that girl wins.

Back in NY it’s photoshoot time – with Sutan! D’awwww. Who doesn’t love Sutan? It’s one of those dumb gimmicky shots where they have to pose as two different versions of themselves and wear wigs and Clark Kent glasses. And they’re on top of some building. Heather and Meagan keep referring to Maryam as if she’s already out of the competition, and Nikita delivers a bitchy little monologue while Sutan is making her up. That is going to make for some bad karma.

Anyway, Maryam has a plan! She calls up some friend of hers to do an impromptu photo shoot and wanders through the streets of Toronto a la Ally McBeal. I’m bored and itching to get back to the Fringe Tent. But no! First I have to sit through more awkward product placement and listen to hicks from Alberta mispronounce phrases like “haute couture”. Feh. Heather get a black wig and discovers her inner goth. She looks like she’s auditioning for The Addams Family: The Musical (a real thing that I am not making up!) These wigs are all really shitty quality.

These dumb bitches get $5000 to spend on a night out in Manhattan. They passive aggressively buy her an I Heart NY t-shirt. She very politely accepts it and thanks them.

Panel time. Jay has a terrifying jacket on. Mike Ruiz should do up his shirt. Yasmin appears to have a couple of tribbles on her shoulders. Designer Richie Rich is the guest judge. I hate this show. Finally, Maryam presents her photo with some unclear explanation about a gecko. Nikita smirks in the background. I can’t wait for this girl’s comeuppance. COMEUPPANCE!

Maryam looks amazing in her photo, but Mark Ruiz seems to think she’s too much drama. The only thing drama about Maryam is her lack of passport. I don’t understand these people. Anyway, Linsay gets photo of the week (deservedly so, too). And Maryam isn’t even in the bottom two! Nikita cries. Now it’s my turn to smirk. Heather gets sent home. She is relieved. I am relieved because this episode is finally over.

CNTM season 3 episode 5 – let’s get comfy

OK, saw the episode, and frankly, they are NOT throughing any curve balls for me. Is anyone else surprised Rebeka was the next to go?
She was one of my favourites at the very beginning but as time goes on in the fishbowl – the cracks start to show….and that girl had cracks!
She had one of my most favourite makeovers – loved it – bam! like she said. But it turns out you have problems with ‘people judging you’?!?!?! wtf are you doing on a modelling show on TV?!?! ohmigawd girl.
I’m not even going to talk about the shoot because it was a waste of a phone add. ouch.
Next week off? Maryam – no question. Girl still doesn’t have a passport and they are doing go-sees in New York. (cause go-sees suck in Toronto, hmmmm Mr Jay?) and she can’t photoshoot herself into that. Unless this show actually through me for a curve…but I doubt it.
Back to old episodes of Project Catwalk for some dramas.
Brook

CNTM: Ugly Ducklings

This show always seems to open with a confession of how teary everyone got at the last elimination. I can’t decide whether this is humanizing and vulnerable, or annoying and drama. Oh wait. It’s CNTM. There’s only ever annoying and drama.

Oh goody, they’re going to have to talk again. That’s bound to make them more likeable and modelesque. They’re taken to the MTV Canada studio where they’re introduced to the only people who are more annoying than these girls themselves: Dan and Jessi of The After Show. Ugh. They offer classy tips like “always remember what it is that you’re promoting” – yes, I understand the importance of that, but surely there’s a less tacky way to put it. Ew. And stop with the finger quotes, Dan.

So now the girls have to do fake interviews about different imaginary SCENARIOS they have been INVOLVED IN . (Finger quotes all Dan’s, of course.) He jumps right into it, enjoying far too much is opportunity to pretend that Maryam is hiding a sex tape. Maryam is adorably baffled, because she didn’t understand that the questions are fake, so Dan and Jessi fall all over themselves explaining that they just made the sex tape up. Canadians are so nice, you guys! This “challenge” (fingerquotes mine this time) is stupid.

Ugh, it’s Nikita’s turn. I’m so sick of her face and her Natasha Badanov hair, but who will I hate on if she’s sent home? But she really does come across as the worst type of asshole: the kind who takes pride in their colossal assholery. Which is why she does really well in this challenge. She owns who she is, terrible as that person is.

Winnipeg Meagan does some cute banter with Dan about how they have the same glasses, and then admits to a massive cocaine problem. If only these interviews were true.

Boring, boring, boring…Ooooh, Rebekkah might be gay. Whether or not she’s just playing along with the challenge, I bet this opens up a whole new ugly can of premium Alberta brand homophobia. Hm, so far only a PC comment from the prairie girl. At this point I will actually be disappointed if Nikita doesn’t say something that makes my blood boil.

Jeannie Beker shows up to take the girls to Toronto Fashion Week to practice their “newfound” “interview” “skills”. Even at Fashion Week this show isn’t featuring any Canadian designers. Suck. The girls are surprisingly good in their interviews with some comedian and that gossip chick from eTalk. A couple of airheaded answers from Heather (she got trapped by “why is it important for models to be skinny?”) and some language barrier problems for Maryam aside, they were all unexpectedly articulate and likeable. Even Nikita. Who wins a $4000 shopping spree at Holt Renfrew. Fuck.

They finally get home, and belatedly find a goodbye note from Tara (weird that they’d put that this late in the episode), and the Meagan confesses all her insecurities, including weird ailments like her scratched eyeball (please, sweetie, PLEASE stop using the “douching”) and how she’s had four ribs removed. This is bookended, of course, by whimpers that she’s just a low-rent version of Heather. Don’t worry, Meagan. At least animals other than dogs can hear you when you talk.

And now Meagan has to get up early (Nikita passive-aggressively tells her to be quiet when she gets up) to get her braces off. This has Ugly Duckling Edit written all over it.

Photoshoot! They have to sell a phone or something, and Yasmin is there to pose for the first picture and make everyone else look bad. They get paired up for the shot, with pairings designed for maximum dramas: Nikita/Rebekkah and Heather/Meagan. Why isn’t this episode over yet?

I hope Maryam’s not going home today, but I’m afraid she is. But she really knocks all the other girls out of the park for sheer gorgeousness. Especially with the hair and makeup they gave her for this shoot.

Boring photo shoot times. Meanwhile, Nikita is at Holt Renfrew on her shopping spree and says the first charming thing she has said all cycle: “These shoes cost as much as my first vehicle.” Of course, this is immediately negated by more assholery: “The chicks I hate have already gone home…except for the…other one.”

Fuck, man. I can see how Rebekkah could get on people’s nerves, but for the girls more or less ostracize her and then turn around all condescending with “Are you okay? Are you okay?” is so fucking cruel and disingenuous. I know exactly how Rebekkah feels: when I was in high school, I did a summer drama program, and there were only 8 girls in the class and one of them was Nikita, only worse (and bore no resemblance whatsoever to a model). I was her Rebekkah. Fortuntely for me, there were plenty of other people around in other classes, so I had other friends and I could avoid the drama, somewhat, but it still sucked. Rebekkah can’t get away until she’s kicked off the show or wins it. Poor kid. So, frankly, Nikita makes ME want to vomit.

Panel time. I think the judges sold Rebekkah out – no way is that her best photo from the shoot. And Meagan got the ultimate Ugly Duckling Edit – her photo is amazing and she upstages Heather for the first time.

Rebekkah goes home. She looks more relieved than upset, and she says the wisest thing I’ve ever heard on Top Model: “I’m only 18. I still need to figure out who I am.” I’m relieved for her, frankly.

Brook’s Summer Fashion Goals

Sunday was was the first day of summer I hear, and a nice humid slap in the face hit me Sunday morning. Summer is here, la di da, whoop di do.

I am a much higher fan of spring and fall – don’t know what it is, perhaps, I’m not a huge fan of extremes of any kind.

So for this sticky season I decided I need some goals;

1) I will only wear pants when it is absolutely necessary.

This is not a Lady Gaga thing. There have been summers where I just end up wearing light jeans and T-shirts – that is bullshit. Summer is the time for dresses – the crazier the better.

2) I will find interesting ways to handle helmet head.

I bike alot in the summer – and helmet head is an issue every time. Perhaps I should look into a scruffy Posh-Spice look?

3) I will get pedicures

I got lazy last year.

4)I will get a fancy sun hat

The queen will be jealous

5) I will get an awesome ’sensible’ bathing suit.

I have one Hugh Hefner would enjoy…I need one that won’t make my Mom cry.

 

Will I triumph? only the summer will tell…and me, I’ll tell you in September.

Brook

CNTM season 3 episodes 3-4…seriously…wtf?

ok – I took a break last week from saying anything about CNTM season 3 cause seriously…it was a given. The first four girls gone from this competition have been no shock….except to the actual girls probably.

I will only list a few WTF’s concerning recent developments in the show, (and every other Top Model show – ever).

WTF is with girls signing up for reality shows in which YOU ARE JUDGED and then reveal later that they have aniexty issues with people watching them and JUDGING them. Did you get the memo – that’s the POINT of this show!!! It’s like divorced couples trying to ‘work it out’ on the Amazing Race – no good comes of it.

WTF is with girls trying to become models and cannot pronounce one damn fashion label’s name properly. Rookie baseball players know the names of the All-Stars. Medical students know the names of breakthrough doctors. Art students know the classics. You are trying to be in an industry – take it seriously, read something – sheesh.

and finally WTF is with girls when they get kicked off the show they suddenly turn INTO models and do the best walk off the stage I have EVER seen??? I would hire you based on that walk! Take that walk now to an agent and you might actually get some work! That’s how 99.9% of the models out there did it!

Maybe I’ve watched too many of these shows, maybe I’m mad I wasn’t blessed with these genetics, but COME ON GIRLS. Top models shows have been on the air since you were 10 years old (seriously). Figure your stuff out first before making a damn fool of yourself on TV, you are not helping the industry.

CNTM: She makes me want to vomit

It’s only week 4, and I am so sick of that horrible “Na na na na na NA NA” theme song, although I suppose it’s appropriate, given the elementary schoolyard maturity levels that some of these girls have. So. They’re still bitching about Maryam’s passport thing, probably because Maryam is better than the rest of them and they know it and want her out of there. Then Nikita accuses Rebecca of being “not quite all there”, which is funny, considering the train wreck that is Nikita. So Rebecca is nervous and tired and just wants to talk to her dad on the phone. Don’t be a jerk just because the girl doesn’t look like a piece of Lego wearing a wig, Nikita.

I guess nothing interesting ever happens around the house, which is why we’re treated to boring montages of workouts and breakfast. Finally, J-Mail. Something about how they’re going to have to talk, which leads to multiple confessions of social anxiety disorder. Seriously? You people signed up to be on reality tv! Forgive me if I find your claims a little disingenuous.

The editing in this episode is demented. Nikita says she’s not ashamed of her anxiety disorder, “but some people are” (probably people with enough brains not to go on reality shows), and suddenly the camera cuts to Rebecca with an ominous “DUN!” I’m confused. And bored. And now they’re in a high school auditorium with Karl Lagerfeld’s muse Irina Lazereanu, who tries to convince the girls that just walking into a high school is an accomplishment. Apparently she was a freak in high school. Of course she was. But she has more advice: “If you’re a freak, be a freak. Don’t be afraid of that.” Thanks, Irina. Why does anyone let supermodels talk?

Now all the girls introduce themselves and pretend they’re not nervous. It’s cute, until Nikita and Meaghan start whispering that Rebecca makes them want to throw up. I expect this stupidity from Nikita, but Meaghan! You’re from Winnipeg! I’m extremely disappointed in you, young lady.

The girls are assigned a script to memorize and we’re treated to the best thing to happen in this cycle so far: an Excuse Montage of each of the girls stating why they are going to be terrible at this little public speaking assignment. A bunch of somewhat legitimate concerns (”I have social anxiety disorder” [we went over this]; “English is my second language”; “I’m terrible at public speaking”) and then Nikita (of course): “I’m dyslexic.” So you’ll…pronounce the words backwards? You’re really one to talk about other people making you want to vomit, Nikita. Anyway, since this is insecure little Canada, none of the girls think they’re going to win this challenge. Aw. At least they’re self aware – they’re all burlap-clad (yeah, they have to wear burlap sacs for some reason) bundles of nerves and they’re all pretty terrible. Surprisingly Heather is the best. High-pitched, but sweet.

By the way, as amusing as it is to dress pretty girls in burlap sacs, I wish this show would showcase Canadian designers.

Back at the house, there’s some manufactured drama with rearranged sleeping arrangements – all the beds are crammed closer together or something and Nikita is throwing a hissyfit because she doesn’t want to sleep next to Rebekkah.

Cruelly, the show sends the girls for skin analysis so they have even more reasons to freak out and compare themselves to each other. And so that the show can do some more awkward product placement.

A stylized photo shoot where they have tape over their mouths. Why can’t that tape be permanent? More manufactured Everybody Hates Rebekkah drama. Rebekkah cries a bunch and might be having a panic attack. Nikita continues to be a total asshole. I’m glad they gave her an ugly haircut. It suits her personality.

Fine. Nikita’s picture is good. But it’s an exact copy of her great shot from two weeks ago. And she’s still an asshole. And Maryam, Linsay, Heather, and Meaghan’s photos are all better. Predictably, Tara goes home. It’s getting harder and harder to like the girls who are left.

CNTM: No sleeping, no cry

It’s only week three, and I already feel like I’m watching this boring trainwreck so you don’t have. SO I HOPE YOU APPRECIATE IT. Remember how last week I was disappointed that the the drama levels were low because sleep deprivation hadn’t yet kicked in? Well, this week starts off with (minor boring) drama about sleep deprivation. Mark (Canada’s Nigel, remember) and Yasmin (Canada’s Paulina, I guess) keep the girls up until 2 a.m. for a stupid challenge in the unimpressive and badly lit hotel pool – they have to keep their faces pretty while getting splashed. Fierce! Everyone blinks and laughs and shrieks except for Meagan with the braces from Winnipeg. Then, in a message from Jay, they’re told that they have to be up at 5 a.m. and they all cry. I feel for them, but…surely they’ve seen this show before?

Anyway, the next morning, everyone obeys their early wake-up call except Nikita, who may actually be going home this week, for all the whiny airtime she’s getting. So Jay goes and wakes Nikita up, and she’s all zoned out, and people bitch halfheartedly about her, and then they have a photo shoot where they smear berries across their face, except Nikita, who gets a beet for some reason. (Maybe to punish her for oversleeping?) The pictures all look like shit, even Linsay’s, who wins 50 extra frames for the next photo shoot for being the best berry-smearer.

And now Jay tries -and fails – to amp up the suspense before he tells them they’re going to the Bahamas. Awww, they’re so excited and happy! But you can’t have a Top Model cycle without some manufactured passport drama! It looks like Maryam’s not going, and none of the girls have any sympathy for her. Nice.

So far, the most disturbing thing about this cycle (and possibly ANY cycle of Top Model) is the creepy beefcake mural painted on the wall in the girls’ suite. If you’re watching the show, you know what I’m talking about, and if you’re not, well, I hope you never have to witness such an atrocity.

Ok, back to the Bahamas. They’re just really happy to be there. Especially Ebonie. She thanks Jesus every morning. It’s all very cute. The girls all pose in wedding dresses on the beach and then have a heart to heart in a hammock about girl fights.
Nikita complains about her photo shoot, and the girls complain about Nikita. Heather gets the first laugh of this cycle out of me when she laments her photo shoot, chirping “I wasn’t really channeling the sadness?”

Back in Toronto, Maryam has some Jay Mail of her own – she gets a photo shoot too, and she has to “pretend to channel the heat of the Bahamas”. I’m terrified that this means she’s being sent out to the Beaches (the show was filmed back in March, when it was damn cold up here), but she’s just posing against a white screen in a studio somewhere. And she knocks it out of the park, weeping, but in a beautiful model way. She’s a bit square-jawed, but she seems to know her angles. Plus, I like her glasses. The rest of the girls, however, show their petty colours when they get mad that she got a photo shoot even though she doesn’t have a passport. Nikita says something idiotic about how this is like a free pass for Maryam, and in real life she wouldn’t get a free pass, which makes no sense, but maybe Nikita’s still delirious from lack of sleep. Whatever, I’m sick of her. I hope I’m right and she’s going home today.

In panel, Yasmin tells Nikita to suck it up and Jay gives Maryam another guilt trip about not having her passport. Give the girl a break, she missed out on a sweet trip to the Bahamas. Don’t pretend like she’s not one of the best girls you’ve got right now.

Ebonie goes home. I will miss her cute French Canadian accent. But I will not miss her constant implications that simply wanting something really badly means you deserve it.

CNTM episode 2 – the makeovers! fast and furious…

Ok – I haven’t done this in a while because for some reason they expect me to do my JOB at work…yeeesh

But I DID finally find someone on youtube that provides me CNTM – because for some RETARDED reason CTV decided not to stream episodes…oh but I can catch up on Private Practice…yay.

Anywho – makeovers! Lets get right to the point - 

LOVE – Rebeccah! (as she put it turning left to right bam! bam!)

on the fence – Nikita! (no matter how much you bitch – your hair has put you in the final 3 – guaranteed)

meh – Meaghan (still not sold on you, either something magical happens when you get those braces off…or BUY a personality!)

OK, the photoshoot – love it, maybe because I love the AGO, but I’m waiting to see an episode where they feature Canadian designers instead of just the last episode because they HAVE to do a show in Toronto…or maybe they won’t even do that.

I knew Jill was out  - she was not into this AT all – she even admits it at the end. WHY would you go on a reality show if you didn’t ab-so-fuckin-lutely want this more than anything.

And in conclusion – did anyone else hear Jay at judging? “Girl you look FIERCE…and I hate that word” BWAH??!?! I had to back it up and play it again. Jay you spit out FEEEEEIRCE with Tyra for almost 3 seasons – don’t you go back on your word now! Or did Queen Tyra kill the love of fierce in you….. how many more seasons do you have before the show has ‘economic problems’

(*sniff* Paulina)

CNTM: Haircuts and (not very many) tears

It’s makeover day! You know what that means: 1. an awkwardly staged series of puns that are entirely unrelated to makeovers (in this case, Jay as a judge, ’sentencing’ each girl to a particular look). 2. No mirrors and a lot of shrieking. 3. Totally graceless product placement (AS IF any salon is actually using a box of Nice and Easy hair dye).

But since these girls all seem surprisingly well-adjusted (so far, at least – it’s still too early for the sleep deprivation to have kicked in), there’s a minimal amount of tears. Only Nikita doesn’t like her end result – she was promised “modern-day Bettie Page”, but instead received unflattering too-short bangs. She looks like a piece of Lego wearing a wig. Poor girl. Everyone else just looks like prettier versions of themselves. Only Rebekkah gets anything extreme – her dark curly bob is chopped and bleached and she looks like Twiggy, which is not that crazy by Top Model standards (I guess the weave budget is a lot lower up here in Canada).

Speaking of budgets, did they blow the whole season’s budget flying Nigel to that ice floe last week? They’re at freaking H AND M. 15 minutes running around the most cookie cutter chain store in the world trying to create a “look” does not a legitimate fashion challenge make. And that PR lady isn’t helping anything. Although she does look very excited to be on tv. So Rebekkah wins this challenge. Shocking. She’s the only one who actually looks anything like a model.

Ooooh, photo shoot at the AGO! There is no chance any of these girls has the chops to upstage that building. Not even with those creepy shoulder pads all the girls have been forced into.

The editors just have the best time on this show – they cut from Jill saying she thought her photo shoot went well to Nolé snickering over her photos. Mean! And…deserved. Jill goes home. Jay wears a great suit. The guest judge wears an amazing hat and shrieks a lot. Why am I bothering with this show?

Canada’s Next Top Polite Anorexic: Episode One (or, Canada has a lot of ice and wolves, eh?)

Except that what passes for reality tv bitchiness in Canada is a far cry from the brasher American brand. They’re really just nice, if somewhat misguided, girls from places with low population density. The third cycle of Canada’s Next Top Model premiered last night, so long after the second cycle that I don’t even remember the name of the girl who won. (I remember the winner of Cycle One: this troubled redhead who looked like Kimber, Jem’s little sister from the 80s cartoon. Her name was Andrea, and after the show ended, she came to her senses, started eating properly, quit modeling, and was briefly in the news because someone tried to assault her in Mexico or something and she fought back and gave a pretty cool interview, though not cool enough for me to go look it up for you or anything.)

Anyway, CNTM is hosted by our homegrown Mr. Jay, who, despite years of suckling insanity at Tyra’s teat, is far too warm and level-headed. The first two cycles were comically low-rent affairs (the first one was filmed in Victoria, BC, that glam fashion capital on Vancouver Island), but this season they seem to have found some dough. For the first episode, they could afford to bring up noted (and sexy) fashion photographer Nigel Barker for the girls’ first photo shoot, and the winners of the challenge (which, uh, was the photo shoot) got to go do another photoshoot, this time on a ice floe off of Prince Edward Island with a bunch of baby seals. How Canadian can you get? Seriously, though, that’s probably the best prize of any challenge of any NTM incarnation, anywhere, ever. Of course, American girls would bitch about how cold it is on the ice floe, but we grow ‘em tough up here. So tough that no one even freaked out at the prospect of posing with a bunch of wild rescue animals for the first photoshoot. Don’t forget we’re in Canada – EVERYONE MUST POSE WITH WOLVES AND BOBCATS.

The problem with a batch of sweet, timid Canadian girls is that there isn’t really anyone to hate. I was all set to write a bitchy preview post last week when the 11 finalists showed up in my mailbox on the cover of FASHION magazine looking, well, not like models, that’s for sure. Sure, there are a couple who really don’t belong there, like Jill, who can barely open her eyes, much less smile with them. But I feel bad just dissing wantonly, because they’re all so cute and polite and Canadian and the two Quebecois girls have such great accents that I hope they stick around for a long time even though they are terrible at modeling.

And none of the judges are evil enough for reality tv. Jeanne Beker has daughters of her own and just wants all the girls to do well and feel good about themselves. Photographer Mark Ruiz is from the same tiny suburb of Montreal as one of the wannabe models, and cooed over their small-world moment. Nigel Barker (who was just a guest judge for the first episode) was in a great mood from taking pictures of seals on an ice floe. Everyone is just too damn nice!

Anyway, dull as Canadian reality tv is, I’ll struggle to find something interesting to say about the show every week: I’ll be recapping episodes ever Thursday. Oh, and I bet that on the makeover episode, the girl from Winnipeg is getting her braces off.